z

Young Writers Society



Tricky

by Kelsey Logan


[pre]Sam and Dean were driving down a Colorado road in Dean’s Impala when they saw a dark-haired girl hitchhiking on the side of the road.

“We should pick her up,” Dean said.

“No way,” Sam protested.

“Oh, come on. She can’t hurt us or anything. She looks like she’s about fifteen.”

“Fine,” Sam gave in. Dean pulled over and the girl climbed into the backseat of the black car.

“Thanks so much,” she said. “I’m Shaynee.”

“Hey,” Sam muttered. “How old are you?”

“Nineteen.”

“Ignore him,” Dean said charismatically. “I’m Dean and that’s Sam, by the way. So, what are you doing out here?”

“Got ditched by my hunting partner.”

“Hunting?” Dean asked, baffled.

“Yep, there’s a couple of demons being eliminated as we speak. And what are the elusive Winchesters doing here?”

“Just passing through,” Sam said, as Dean was now dazedly staring out of the windshield. “Who taught you how to hunt? Your dad?”

“Everybody asks me that. Why the hell do they assume that it was a man that taught me? It was my mom,” Shaynee said firmly.

“OK,” Dean said nervously, and a little louder than necessary. “Where do you want to be dropped off?”

“Dropped off? You must be kidding. Do you think I just happened to be hitchhiking on that road?” Shaynee asked indignantly.

“Um, no,” Dean mumbled, a bit taken aback. “Then, what do you want?”

“I need help, with a haunted house. My friend went in there, and something killed her.”

“We’ll help you,” Sam said quickly. Dean shot him an irritated look.

“Thank you so much.” Shaynee smiled gratefully.

“This is it?” Dean asked doubtfully. It was a small cottage on the outskirts of town. A small river ran behind it.

“You haven’t seen the inside yet.” Shaynee picked the lock on the wooden door and stepped inside. Dean and Sam cautiously followed.

Blood coated the walls of the tiny cottage.

Shaynee walked into the next room, and Dean quickly joined her when he heard a loud scream. There was a man’s body lying on the ground. A few feet away lay his head.

Dean led Shaynee out of the cottage, and she looked up into his green eyes. He abruptly kissed her, and she went rigid. He pulled away.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“It’s fine. Just a little unexpected.” She smiled, and walked over to the Impala. She opened the driver’s side door and climbed in.

“I am not letting you drive,” Dean yelled.

“Fine,” Shaynee said resignedly. And she scooted over into the passenger’s seat.

“Get in the backseat now!” Sam yelled, as he walked toward the car.

Shaynee grumbled, but she got out of the car, and proceeded to slump into the backseat.

“What is it?” she asked, as they drove down the road. “In the cottage?”

“I’m not sure,” Dean admitted. “But nerd-boy over here probably has some idea.”

“Actually, I don’t,” Sam said.

“There’s only two beds in here,” Shaynee pointed out as they walked into their motel room.

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” Dean quickly decided.

Shaynee dropped her bag on the nearest bed. She swayed a little, and put her hand on her forehead. She sat down on the bed.

“Are you OK?” Dean asked frantically.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired. I’m gonna go get changed into my pajamas.” Shaynee walked to the bathroom holding her bag.

“What if she’s like me?” she heard Sam ask through the door.

“What if she is? Are you just gonna ask her if her mom died in a fire?” Dean asked irritably. Shaynee could hear everything they were saying perfectly. Just one of the perks.

Sam was about to say something else when Shaynee walked out of the bathroom, wearing a silk nightgown. Dean just stood there looking shocked until Sam smacked him on the back of the head.

Dean woke up when a cold hand touched his arm. Shaynee was kneeled down beside him. She raised a finger to her lips, then kissed Dean long and hard. He sat up, and she moved so that her legs were wrapped around his waist and her arms were wrapped around his neck.

“Where’s Dean?” Shaynee asked as she walked into the motel room holding three cups of coffee. Sam was sitting at the table, reading something on his laptop.

“He went to go take another look at the house,” Sam replied.

“Damn it! We gotta go.” She put the cups on the table and stormed out of the motel room, leaving the door open behind her.

“Where the hell are you going?” Sam yelled, as he ran out of the door and closed it behind him.

“We have to go save Dean. I’ll explain later.” She walked to a car in the parking lot, and put her fist through the driver’s side window. She reached in, unlocked the door, and bent down under the steering column.

“You can’t steal a car,” Sam said.

“Watch me.” Shaynee stripped one of the wires and touched the metal to one of her teeth. A blue spark hit the metal and the car started up. She turned around and Sam cried out in shock. Her teeth had turned into fangs.

“What the hell are you going to do to me?” Dean mumbled through the scarf tied around his mouth.

“Oh, you’re just bait,” a tall vampire said. He smiled menacingly at Dean.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Shaynee disobeyed me. She got too attached. Now she’s going to pay.” The tall vampire walked away, and came back with a knife. He ran the edge of the knife down the length of Dean’s arm. Blood welled from the long cut.

Shaynee skidded to a stop in front of the cottage and jumped out of the car. Sam followed her, armed with a shotgun.

Shaynee turned the handle on the front door, and it flew open. She walked in and paused for a second. Then she turned to her right and walked into a sitting room. Dean was tied to a chair in the middle of the room. His arms were covered in blood, and so was his neck.

Sam rushed over and untied him.

The tall vampire appeared in the doorway. “So, you’re back. I figured you would come for him.” He reached a hand out and knocked Shaynee across the room. She stared up at him, as blood poured out of her cheek.

“Let him go. He never did anything to you.” Shaynee slowly stood up. “What is it with you and hunters?”

“Rius, come in here,” the tall vampire called. A short boy walked into the room.

“Kill the other human,” the tall vampire commanded. The boy lunged at Sam, knocking him over.

“How dare you?” Dean yelled. He looked at Shaynee, and shook his head in shame. “You’re one of them!”

“I had no choice,” Shaynee sobbed. “I’m so sorry. Get Sam out of here.” Dean helped Sam up, and helped him outside.

The tall vampire grabbed Shaynee by the throat and flung her out the window. She screamed as glass rained down on her. She slowly stood up, and crawled back into the house.

Outside, Sam and Dean heard the scream. “I have to help her,” Dean said.

“You can’t. You’re too weak. I’ll go.” Sam turned around and walked back into the house.

He was behind the tall vampire.

“You can’t get rid of us that easily,” Sam whispered.

The tall vampire turned around, and as soon as he did Shaynee and Rius knocked him down.

“You stupid son of a bitch!” Shaynee screamed. And she ripped his head off and threw it out of the broken window.

They sat in the motel room in awkward silence. Rius was sitting in the corner of the room, shivering. Shaynee had tried to comfort him, without success.

“Who was that?” Dean asked, he had bandages on both arms, and on the side of his neck.

“Our leader, Bennett. He turned me against my will, and has been forcing me to kill for him ever since.” Shaynee stared at the floor, and a tear dripped onto it.

“How long has it been?” Sam asked.

“Nine years,” Shaynee murmured.

Dean moved to sit next to her on one of the beds. He put a bandaged arm around one of her shoulders. She leaned into him, and started to cry even harder.

“I’m so sorry,” she kept mumbling. “I’m so sorry.”

“Are you sure about this?” Shaynee asked again. “One hundred per cent sure?”

“Shaynee please. Just do it.” Dean smiled at her. She nodded, and leaned closer to Dean on the bed. She wrapped her arms around his chest, and rested her face against the side of his neck. Shaynee kissed Dean’s neck, near the scar he still had from his run-in with Bennett. Her lips parted to reveal her fangs.

Dean sighed as Shaynee broke away from his neck. He smiled to reveal long, sharp fangs.[/pre]


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Fri Jun 27, 2008 7:49 pm
RoryLegend wrote a review...



Ok props for writing a supernatural fanfic..I'm slightly obsessed with that show.

Nitpicks:

1) The story was mostly dialogue and there was no real narrator. Make it one of the characters story or at least add description and really make the setting.

2) I guess this part doesn't matter as much since it is your story, but how Dean and Sam acted didn't really feel like them, and the things they said weren't really them either. Dean says dude a lot, Sam is smart he would never let Dean go to the haunted house alone, things like that. Where was the smart-assness and the charm from Dean, and the Know how from Sam? Since this is a fanfic and based on real characters you shouldn't change them too much..the Shaynee character was good, she needs some more depth, but you can't really change Dean and Sam.
Like: “How dare you?” Dean yelled. Dean wouldn't talk like that. It would be more like, "Dude, what the hell?" or something along those lines.
And while I like the twist at the end with him becoming a vampire I don't think that there was enough of a relationship behind him and her at least from what you wrote you could make it more. I just really don't think you could make Dean a vampire, it is your story though, it just deviates too much from their real characters..I don't know you don't have to listen to me..I'm just saying. Also because you don't give us a real time setting, we don't know things like, is this before he made the deal to seel his sould, before John made the deal? We just really don't know.

3) You moved too fast through the story and when you did change from for example the hotel to the haunted house, how could we tell that? I had to reread a few parts to understand what was going on. It was just too confusing, which is another downside of not balancing your dialogue with description and setting.

4) "Sam and Dean were driving down a Colorado road in Dean’s Impala when they saw a dark-haired girl hitchhiking on the side of the road." You shouldn't need this at the begining, which is what I mean by making it one person's story. I'd say if you made it Shaynee telling the story (but still in 3rd person) that would be best. Then you can still incorporate the part where she hears their conversation in the bathroom. I'm just saying though you shouldn't need to set the story with one sentence at the begining. You should be able to get through where everyone is and what is going on through the story.
If you started something like: "Shaynee walked down the road with her thumb held out and a huge backpack strapped onto her. A black impala pulled to a stop next to her and two boys asked her if she needed a lift. She climbed into the backseat and revealed to them what she knew about them, recieving skeptical looks from both." Then go into dialogue.

So yes, I think this is good but could be really really good with some editing..again *claps* way to do Supernatural! Yay! Also you don't have to listen to anything I said, it is your story and you can do whatever you want with it, those were just my opinions and how I would have done it differently. But to each their own.

Happy writing!




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Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:36 pm
Soledad says...



I liked this.
It went a bit fast at times, left me a bit confused, but it was good nonetheless. Nice twist at the end.




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Sat Mar 08, 2008 2:39 am



I really enjoyed this.
Favorite part is when she rips the guy's head off.




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Tue Nov 13, 2007 2:11 am
Kim wrote a review...



i really like the story line, but it moves way to fast. all of a sudden they are in a hotel? i think you need to stay in one place for awhile then move on.
if you take your time and write in more discriptions and actions, this will be an excellent story.

kim




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Tue Nov 13, 2007 1:41 am
EliteHusky wrote a review...



This is quite interesting and somewhat appealing. I would recommend that you use Times New Roman (default) font and ans the previous comment said, just write it instead of hosting it to be downloaded. Otherwise the clarity somewhat varies as you progress through this piece but it does draw you attention and uses reasonably well assembled dialogue.

-Elitehusky




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Mon Nov 12, 2007 11:05 pm
Twit says...



Type it up here, don't put it as a document for us to download, that isn't the way it works. By the by, what's "SN" stand for? What's your fic about?





Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
— Henry David Thoreau